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By Fran Zimmerman Raising teenage children. That was the primary reason why I signed up for the Course in Mussar I (currently Everyday Holiness: the course), several years ago. I had been contemplating and praying about how I would navigate those teenage years with my children when I saw an ad about the Mussar class on a Jewish Spiritual Direction listserve I was a part of. I had never heard of Mussar, but was intrigued by the description and decided to read Alan’s first book. With a great leap of faith, and the blessings of my husband and my spiritual direction group, I signed up for the class, taking on yet another time commitment in my already busy schedule. My primary goal was to learn how to stay steady, take care of myself, stay solid in my marriage, and meet the needs of my children during those turbulent, reactive, self-centered, needy, demanding, unpredictable times in their lives. I had a sense that now, more than ever, this parenting job was way bigger and more complicated than I could figure out on my own. The decision to invite Mussar into my life was such a gift for me and for my family -- sometimes in obvious ways, other times in more subtle ways. For example, when I got aggravated while driving to my son’s piano lesson during rush hour traffic recently, he was able to remind me that this was a good time to practice patience. I learned to deepen my prayer life when I was in the passenger seat and my daughter was driving for the first time on the freeway. In fact, I still say a prayer every time she takes off in the car. And then there was the time when I learned two hours before a band concert, which I didn’t even know about, that my son needed a new white shirt. When I was mumbling about how if I had only known in advance…my daughter was able to say, “Mom, all of that is in the past. Let’s concentrate on what we are going to do now.” I felt gratitude at that moment -- for the wisdom of my daughter, for having the money to buy the shirt, for the fact that my son was talented and healthy enough to play an instrument in the band, and that we still had two hours to find a shirt. Over the years, my practice of Mussar along with my chevruta and va’ad, have taught me to rest in humility along with faith and trust as I journey through this incredible job of parenting. I have leaned on HaShem, my husband, my friends, my study partners and others in navigating life with teens. I have learned compassion, putting myself in my children’s place and considering what I would want and need from a Mom if I were in their shoes. I have learned to be generous in moments when I wanted to be spiteful. And, recently, in the midst of grief, after leaving my daughter at college for the first time, I was also able to feel so much gratitude: for the partnership with my husband, and the ability to pay for college at least this year, for the incredible young woman my daughter has become, and that we still had three more years navigating the teens with our son. Mussar is a practice that truly is a blessing. |
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