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How Mussar Saved Me a Fortune I have been a Mussar student for several years. Like many, I have come to appreciate the way its practical methodologies have helped me learn about myself in everyday aspects of life, from how I deal with impatience in a grocery store line to how I treat my wife. In essence, I was involved in Mussar practice, but recently I faced an experience with more potential long-term ramifications. And that experience, when things began to unravel in a business venture, gave me a piece of Mussar work to do. It began when a long-time colleague and I went into a business partnership, investing in real estate back in the days when that looked like a good idea. We were modest in our strategy, and the worst-case scenario we could foresee at that time would be breaking even. The plan was called for us to be in and out in one year, allowing a second year for contingencies. That was 3 ½ years ago and to say things have not worked out as planned would be an understatement. My partner became increasingly agitated by the worsening economic climate and began clamoring for some kind of change. While I differed in my approach, preferring to switch from a short-term to a long-term investment outlook, I could appreciate that she wanted out, and I was open to her selling her interest to someone else. Instead, I began to receive a series of e-mails, better described as “nasty grams.” It appeared that she was unable to contain her anxiety and upset. In what was a difficult situation for us (and millions of others) I became the receptacle for some of her anxiety. Each time I would respond to the e-mail with a phone call, believing the matters were better dealt with in conversation. Our conversations would go well, she would agree not to discuss such things via e-mail, and then I would get another e-mail about a routine matter that would devolve into harsh statements directed at me. I was challenged on many middot during this period. First, there was (and remains) my own anxiety about the investment and I have been repeatedly challenged to work on the middot of trust or bitachon. I’ve come to understand that the experience itself in all its manifestations is the valuable investment and that the actual dollar gain or loss is a secondary issue. Second, I have been required to exercise large doses of dan lechaf zchut or giving my partner the benefit of the doubt, reminding myself that much of what she wrote to me came from places I cannot understand or judge. Finally, I was required to exercise gevurah both in the strength required to contain myself and in the limits I needed to set with her. At a certain point, probably the nadir of this experience, she said she was simply walking away from the investment. “Is it your intention we go into foreclosure?” I asked. “No,” she said. “I’m counting on you to pay the mortgage yourself.” However, by containing and controlling the way I responded to each of these challenges by having practiced Mussar, I was able to affect the results of the experience. As a result, I am in partnership with a different person and things are looking much better in many regards, including financially. And my ex-partner has since apologized for the way she acted during the transition. Had I not exercised Mussar during this period, but instead reacted from my own anxiety, hurt and anger, I believe the situation would have rapidly escalated into an attack and counter attack that would have involved lawyers and great financial and emotional pain. Ultimately, the experience has given me greater trust that the principles of Mussar can work in situations with more serious consequences. Thanks to Mussar and the fact that I have continued to cultivate a Mussar practice, I am better equipped to handle such situations. In short, because I had done the practice, I was equipped for the work. By staying out of reactive mode I can truly say this has been an important learning experience. I’m almost willing to say I’m grateful for it, but I’m not quite there yet. Sometimes HaShem teaches us with pain and sometimes with pleasure – I think it simply depends on what are the best means for the lesson one needs to learn. Josh Gressel is a psychologist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay area. He has been a student of Mussar for approximately five years. |
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