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By Leonard Felson Len Felson is a magazine writer who also volunteers his time to edit the monthly Yashar newsletter. Since I first discovered Mussar, after reading Alan Morinis’ first book, “Climbing Jacob’s Ladder,” and enrolling in Mussar courses through the Mussar Institute, my wife will often ask me: “So, how has it changed your life?” If I’m honest with her and myself, that question usually stumps me because my first, gut response, I’m embarrassed to report, is that it hasn’t dramatically changed my life at all. That conclusion is compounded by another question I get asked whenever I meet my former chervruta or Mussar study partner: “So what have you been doing lately with Mussar?” And again, if I’m honest (and honesty remains a middot I try to cultivate), I say, “Not much, truthfully.” “It’s so hard to maintain the daily practice,” I often say, as if that excuses my lapses. But the truth is, as Reb Salanter famously pointed out, the change that occurs through Mussar can be as subtle as the change from a constant drop of water on a rock. So as I explore that question, how has Mussar changed my life, I come up with a powerful answer that’s become so ingrained in my life over the last few years that the change virtually escapes me. And it goes to the core of the Mussar practice known as Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh, or an Accounting of the Soul, that discipline of picking a middot or soul trait to work on each week (or every two weeks) and observing how it comes up in your life during the day, then briefly chronicling those observations at night in a journal. I have to admit, I’ve fallen out of the habit of journaling nightly, but what I have grown to practice more and more is the simple discipline of accountability. If I have a stretch in my life that I’m afraid I might not reach, but which my soul knows is in my best interest, I call upon a friend to hold me accountable. Because I make my living as a freelance writer, the stretch is often over a query or article proposal I want to write to a magazine that I believe or fear is out of my league. By declaring the stretch, setting a deadline and having to report my success or failure to someone else, I’ve created a structure of accountability. That doesn’t guarantee success; but it does provide a built-in opportunity to learn from my actions. If I meet the stretch, I pause not just to celebrate but also to examine what I’ve learned about working through fear, the inclination to procrastinate and faith. If I fall short of the stretch, I learn something else about the power of various middot in my life. I use that structure of accountability in other areas of my life as well even though my Mussar practice has waned. Still, with a new Jewish year upon us, I’m aware again of the gateways to renewal and change, and all the opportunities available to rebuild my Mussar practice. Perhaps this will be the year that even greater change occurs in my life thanks to Mussar. I’m looking for a demanding chevruta. Kein yehi ratzon. Len Felson may be contacted at felson@snet.net. |
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